Hit Check... (How are we doing so far?)

We've been fearful of the day we have to part. Overly anticipating what and how it's going to be (you being away). We were clueless on how we can make it through..

It's almost 4 months, and how are we doing so far? I can say we are doing a very good job maintaining what we have (God bless the tech geniuses who made all these cyber communications possible). We talk, send messages and then talk again, every day.. We sleep on it and then talk again. Lately I have noticed, you were frequently asking if I'm getting tired of you or of what we do.. And I have the same answer to that my love... "NO". Are you? True, sometimes we don't have much of a topic for discussions anymore, you do your thing and I do mine, but having you on the othe side of the line makes me feel we're just hanging out not necessarily doing anything or talking about something in particular.. but close enough to feel your presence as if you're just beside me... like how we used to. I don't mind sitting here all day everyday until you finally come home. I don't fancy going out with friends or unwind and visit places if it's not you that I am with. You may not understand or know how it makes me feel but trully and honestly, it's becoming an obligation being with somebody that's not you. I can't enjoy anyone else's company especially when all I can think of is to get home and speak to you again. It may seem to you that I am deprived of having a normal life (I don't know what you mean though), but baby you are my life and you are giving a life to the life itself. I would want nothing more than to be with you.. spend all my time and the time after that with you. I don't have the looks, the guts or the wealth. I too am not the romantic guru type who can make you feel thrilled everytime.. and I can't offer you the world either as its not my possession. I can only give you my undying love and admiration to the best possible way I can.

People have different prospectives. Even if we complement each other and have a lot of traits in common, you may still see life, or spending life differently that I do. I don't own you, neither your life nor your time. Your heart and love is the only thing I can call my own. I'll do whatever it takes so noone can take it away from me.. Please let me keep that. I hope you won't get tired of me too. I hope you won't find me boring and repetetive. If so, please give me a hint as I don't even know what boring exactly means.

Long distance relationship really is a challenge. A lot of things may need to be set aside. Sacrifices may need to be offered. Life style may need to be changed. But above it all we should have the same goal, the same dream, the same direction. As it has been known, many failed but some people have survived. Those who succeeded had the best reward.. Its knowing that they found their one true love who is more than willing to go through hell to keep the love alive. Baby.. as early as now, I know we can make it... I know we can pull it through. I believe in you.. I trust what we have. Soon, we will meet again. Soon...

Today, a day like any other day...

(But the best day to look back to...)
Oct 30th, 2011 marks the 12 mos. of our togetherness

You are there, and I am here.. We are celebrating our event in two separate places and time.
But regardless of the distance... nothing will make me less inloved with you.. I was misplaced.. distressed.. unwhole.. disorriented.. uncontented and lost. But when I met you, the elements of the universe conspired and put me back together. Who said angels only are from heaven? I don't agree as I found mine on earth. One without wings or halo and is not dressed in white. Angel of a great beauty and heart full of kindness, baby, that was you.

Life is complex, puzzling.. obscure. One may have lived five decades or so but still a lot of things in life is a mystery. Like us, we have been together for such a long time. We've learned the most what's and how's about one another but having that said, we still have a lot of things to discover, mysteries that are yet to uncover. It's not that we are hiding anything, these are the things that even us, to ourselves, aren't known. Baby, looking back to these 12 months, never cease to give my heart joy. We've talked about it over and over.. repeated each situation and how we came to where we are now - same story, same cause and effect. Still is and will forever be a story that I won't grow tired of reminscing.

Tonight, as of this writing, I am lonely not because I am alone. I am sad because i miss u.. twice as much. But I'm trying not to.. i see no point to be. I know you are there, still loving me in spite of you being away. Thank you for the love.. thank you for being my love.. and thank you for allowing me to love you. In time, you will be with me again. In time.... This is the day.. like any other day.. but a day that was made extra special when you've stepped into my life. You are being loved by me... so much.

Ruthless...

I heard something cracked... I guess it was my heart. This is a feeling I had after watching the video of a two-year old kid ran over by two cars. Not just some ordinary cars, big ones. How can it be possible that the person driving the car was unable to see the kid when in fact, she was there even before the vehicle came close? Well maybe the driver's eyes were shut, oh or can he be blind? Sensational! Then came the passers-by. Some did not even stop to look at the kid and some threw a glance but move on to their own ways. I cannot stand the thought of the other car, well truck that passed through as if nothing or noone's lying there. Is this how it is in China? I've always been wanting to see the Great Wall but now I'm scared. Like people in that place don't care if I fell off the walls, so why bother? lol! I don't hate Chinese and I'm in no position to condemn just because of this. Maybe there is an explanation. But still, whatever reason it is, I can't find justification for it. Rock on motherf****rs!!

Deep Sigh... Its All I Can Let Out

We started alright tonight. We talked, laugh.. looked silly and stuff. What we started did not end well and I was puzzled.. We were just making fun of each other when you suddenly came up with an idea - I declined. It looked so simple, I guess? That was why you.. probably... somehow... were ticked off. Am I right, or am I just feeling guilty of what I have done, or haven't done. It felt all wrong. I hate it when you turn your back on me without saying a word. I hate it when you leave me hanging not knowing what's wrong. I hate it when I am supposed to be upset yet I become the one to be blamed. I hate it when I shouldn't be at fault but turned out to be. Sometimes.. I can't understand how simplicity becomes so complex and leads to either me hurting you, or you hurting yourself. You said we should always talk things through. You said it'll be best to fix things on that same instance, what happened now? I told you I'll do everything for you, but now its tormenting me - I seem to fail that. I know you make all possible consideration on how I would feel, but tonight, your emotions must have blinded the rationality of your thoughts. It pains me, but I can understand. I can't blame you...

A Letter From A Friend 23-Dec 2010

**Just found this while turning my things upside down.. I decided to have it be written down before it vanishes as its in scribed on a paper.. deep thanks to you too..my friend**

It's always hard to start a letter so let me get straight to the point. You always thank me for being there for you, for letting you drag me into situations, for being a friend. But I say, "Thank you!" thank you for giving me the chance to be a friend. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the credits you're giving me. Because the truth is I should be the one giving the credits to you. Whenever things go wrong and you let me be there for you, it makes me feel good. Remember when I told you that I want to be somebody's hero??? You make me feel that way tsong. And I didn't get the chance to tell you sooner because I was too busy dealing with other nonsense things. I have so many issues within me that I sometimes neglect the thing that I have, things I'm lucky I have -- You, your friendship, your life(specially you love life, hehe). Thanks for sharing it all with me. Merely saying these words can't even validate how grateful I am. I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the same chance, maybe someday. But for now I just want to give the recognition to you. I couldn't ask for a better gify, even if its the same every year for the rest of my life. Thank you tsong! I love you! Happy Holidays!

Melancholic

Trully wonderful having your face to be the last I see before I sleep. Hearing you breathe, feeling your heartbeat, smelling your scent before the night completely consumes me. You being there gives me serenity..

As soon as we ended our conversation..I felt the deepest loneliness ever in my entire life.. Tears kept falling, I wanted it to cease but it pains even more trying to..you are nowhere near now..its tough, too darn difficult to think that I won't be with you for a long time.. you are the only reason why I am excited to wake up each day and to get off work cause it won't be long and I'd be with you again.. its for us both I know.. but mind at times is inferior to the heart.. and unlike a computer bug, this don't have fix.. or ailment of no cure.. it just is.. oh how I miss u.. like I always have that chill even during the warmest time of the day.. I'm longing for the comfort of your embrace.. the sweetness of your lips.. the touch.. that touch of your hand that assures me everything is fine.. the laugh you let out which always brightens my day.. i'm nothing without you..

Wishes, Hopes... Prayers

One.. two weeks.. its zooming.. I just can't believe its that fast. Well what can we do but to wish, hope and pray that whatever we have will remain, will stay intact no matter what.

Two days ago.. you became older. But its something to thank about because you're alive. I knew it was not a bash, you were restless and anxious, maybe because of stress, but I am still greatful that somehow, I saw a smile, the lovely smile that I always wish you wear truthfully. I can't completely describe how my heart leap everytime I see you beam at the same time shatter whenever I see that you're troubled, like my happiness is dependent on it. All I want in this life, as if its my only purpose, is to make you happy, to make everything easy for you. But now, how can I make that happen if my heart is losing its radiance. How can I possibly give you the delight when I'm in deep solitude. I've seen everything, all the possible things that proves it is happening, I still can't compose myself and be made to believe that this is really it.. that its sealed. I have been with you for eight months and each moment has been a wonder, but soon, very soon you will be away almost twice as much as we were together. I've been keeping the tears, somewhere and I hope it won't come near any sooner. I don't want to grieve because I know this is for the better. I want nothing but happy thoughts until we unite again.

I trust you like I never trusted anyone else. I will wait for you with great hopes that when you come back, we will again share the same things that we lways had.I know it wont go anywhere as we will keep it in our hearts. Please hold on tightly to our love.. don't ever let it go.

I am so deeply inlove with you... with my life.

The Rain

I have always hated the rain. It makes me sad, feeling misserable and alone. Whenever the air starts to cool down, I am certain that rain will come along and I start becoming weary. The past few months, I noticed, rain doesn't affect me that much anymore. I am thinking, I must have grown old with the feeling, or was it you that alleviated the discomfort I have whenever this condition happens. I am starting to believe that you are a magician. You make something appear or disappear in thin air. You probably could be a doctor as you always make my pains disappear. Another time I think you are a clown coz you make me laugh without reason what so ever. But one thing is for sure, you are my love - my life rolled into one who makes my existence on earth worth while. ♥♥♥♥♥

Woooot.....

Baguio here we come.. :) heading to the summer capital of the Philippines with my partner. Weeeeeh!!! Weather please calm down. This might be our last out of town this year so cooperate and behave.. Went through a lot though, but all is well.. Thanks Chief, you made evrything smooth, weather na lang po.. :)

Metro Manila... will be back in no time... adia!! I'm outa here.

Loneliness

I am lonely... a deep solitude is overwheming my consciousness. i am encapsulated by the fact that I'd be alone this entire year. no remorse.. no hesitation on what is bound to happen. I just feel desolated. I don't want to cry. I don't want you to see me cry. But at some point, no matter how I try to withhold it, it's still conspicuous.. Im battling with my thoughts of what should I and should i not feel. I am delighted by the fact that you will gain things that no people normally can experience. But I am evaded by the cruel fact that you will be away from me for that long. I am with you almost everyday, but within the 6 months time, still, I can't get enough of you. I want to be with you some more. I want you by my side each and every moment. I want to see you smile, frown, giggle, even to see you get mad, get all moody and stuff.. i dont care.. I want you... you right next to me. holding your hands. touching your face.. kissing you endlessly. I can't so far make out a picture without you near me. But still... i am hoping and praying for the best. I wish fo nothing else but for you to succeed in every endeavor that you'll take. Just please remember me... remember how we are and how we are planning to be. I know there'd be a lot more years allotted for us. I am holding on for your love.. and I promise you.. I'll be here waiting...

Nuninuninu...

I am thinking about the things in the past. I realized, it has been almost 7 months when I was all messed up. Bored with my life, wanting a new. Have I been curious or has it been the reflection of the unconscious craving for something, someone better. Who would know? I know who and what I am so well but when it comes to something I want, I argue with my own self. Frequently I lose focus deciding on what is necessary from what's inessential. How bad could it be if I cease thinking and anticipating on things that are yet to come? No.. I should be ready. I shouldn't be putting down my shields.. my defenses. It will help me in the long run.

Though it scares me i still find being inlove is a wonder. It gives endless illumination to the darkened soul. It radiates throughout and gives life to ones diminishing glow. You gave me love... unconditional, it may have extra baggages before but its now my own. We can always promise that we can stay together.. we can promise that we will keep loving each other.. but there are inevitables.. we can only promise now and hope that it will stay that way forever.

She Is In Pain

Seeing you lying there made my heart bleed and torn into million pieces. I helplessly stared at you as I couldn't take even a portion of what you have to bear. All I wanted was to hold you and tell you I am here, that everything will be fine, but... I couldn't.. all eyes were on you and I don't want to create a scene. You manifested vigor, but I knew deep within you were in pain. I wish I had the power to partake of the discomfort or to simply extinguish it all at once. I was the first to see you on that bed after you were taken out of the recovery room. I was certain I had a good sleep the other night and i was strong physically, but my knees shook as I saw the looks of you half awake with the tears flowing from your eyes. I came by, watched you being settled in the room, but I couldn't hold it. It was involuntary, my eyes were welling so I left... I guess I could never stand seeing you on that state again. I pray, and I'm begging the heavens to possibly keep you away from any surgeries in the future. It was excruciating.

Please take care. I can't be physically near you at the most so I am appointing you to watch over yourself for me.. I am bestowing you the tenancy and the right to do what's right. In time, you'll be with me and you'll have to turn it over.

Eifersucht

How does this work? What is this stuff? This is a very strong feeling that could overwhelm ones mind and heart which can lead to doing either silly, stupid, dangerous things or combination of all these. Why do people get jealous? One starts to get jealous when one sees someone with something that they dont have or possibly something that ones have but is given to someone the same manner and shouldnt be. Beauty, friends, personality, money, power, intelligence, love name it. Could it be in general? Are all these, most people's reason why they feel this insanely adamant feeling? I get jealous, I am on a very high level of this kind. I get jealous not necessarily on material things. Attention - yes I get terribly jealous for attention especially when it comes to the person I love. When I say I own it, I feel like I should be the only person who deserves it. When my better half treats someone similar or close to how she does to me, it is totally disconcerting. I know no reason, my mind repels any sort of explanation. Its sad and disturbing that I have to feel this way. Shame on me that I even get jealous with my own friend. Its not right but I cant get over it. I cant find a way through it. I am furious to myself and frustrated at the same time. I say its ok but hell no.. :( I'd say I understand but I can't, espcecially when I dont get the acknowledgement I want, or if the ackowledgement gives no assurance that it wont happen again, it makes me melancholic. I cant keep someone for myself though, right? Even if I call her my own, It doesnt give me the freedom or right to make any restrictions on her doing what she pleases and thinks is a necessity, its a part of her, its her nature.. its her life.. at the end of the day it is still what she wants and needs that matter the most. I can't put her in a cage or put a wall around her as it defeats free will..I don't want her to change anything just to live up to my expectations and wants. Its my problem I have to deal with it.

Love, Commitment and Trust

LDR, many failed but few has conquered the obstacles brought by the infamous relationship. I haven't been into one, but soon I will be.. Will I vanquish the malevolence of this treacherous villain or will I stumble and concede to the victory it claims. I leave it all to fate. I am certain about my love and loyalty to the person I love. I vowed to stay committed and will never be overwhelmed by the tempest that may come along the way. But only the Heavens can tell...

I'm happy... but restless... I'm certain, but anxious, with what? By what?

Circumstances. Sigh... Changes can be good, but it can be bad sometimes. A person who is so inloved can't seem to care much about the threat that can cause the downfall of a relationship, everything is painted in red, everything is light, beautiful.. endless. Often times these are the kinds caught unguarded and may end up embracing themselves crying and feeling sorry for laying down their defenses. Being aware that this situation exist, it is real,  and  is inevitable would save you from the ultimate heartache. Denying the fact and closing your mind to the possibilities would give you your eternal regret.. regret of not trying what could have been done better, what could have been avoided. Seeing the love of your life slip away from your very own eyes is one of the most agonizing feeling there is, especially when you realized that its too late to make amends. Being 100% sure about your feelings, about yourself isn't enough to defeat the world. It must be accompanied by being keen to all the possible predicaments.

Iloveyou... I sure do... Our relationship has not been built for ages, but i trust that no matter what happens, we'll make this as a two-way concrete street.

STAY AWAY FROM THE HIGH-WAY...

A Note On Valentine's Day

Baby,

Happy Valentine's Day. I have loved you always in my heart, even before I met you. I belong to someone else, but my heart says its you that I needed, that it's you that I want to love. Among all others, you stand out from the crowd. Life has long been gone, but you were there, you bound the remaining breath and united me again with my soul. You were so lovely the first time we met, your presence brought warmth to my entirety. Until now... you never fail to give me joy. You bring satisfaction to all of my desires. You fulfilled my destiny. You are my long lost love that I have been searching for all my life. I never want you anywhere but by my side. I cannot foresee what lies ahead of us, but I promise you, I will be strong, I will remain faithful what ever the cost maybe. Now, time is stealing you away from me... I can only imagine how miserable it will be without you right next to me, but what is 365 days of absence for a lifetime that we will share? I don't care. I'm not delighted to see you go, but I can handle it, just as long as you will come back to me, in one piece, with the same heart, with the same mind... with the same love that you always have for me. Baby, this is a promise, I will love you until we both shall live. Be safe always and take good care of you health.

Sigh...

It's 12:32 AM.. I can't sleep... You are all over my system.. I'm worried of something. I possibly know it but I can't understand. You made me love you so much, and now I have fallen so deep. I love you, and I cannot even find a trace of how this happened. I want to be with you every minute of each day, holding you close to me. You don't need to speak.. We don't need to talk. I'm contented and fulfilled just being beside you. I could stare at you forever... I can't think of anything worse, than waking up one morning and you are gone.. It makes me weak inside out... I couldn't get a hold of life without you.. You are my life now... I don't know, I can't say much... I dont make sense.. I'm speaking garbage. I have a lot of uncertainties in my mind. Its blowing away my sanity. Hormonal imbalance, well possible.. But I want nothing else but to feel your embrace tonight. I want you.. I need you so badly... You find me strong, but I am not that tough, I can't be tough without you... You complement me when I'm doing something good. You correct me whenever I make a mistake. You define things for me when I am confused. You are everything to me.. You are my world... you are my one and only love...

Scary Truth

I feel alive whenever you are near. Your embrace gives warmth to the coldness of my being. All my worries, all my doubts vanish everytime your presence envelopes me. You calm my soul. You brighten my world. You give color to my black and whites. I couldn't ask for anything else in the world just as long as you are with me. but..........

I'm scared.

You are about to go away. I can literally feel and taste how it's like to be lonely. To be alone. It's like sailing in an open sea looking into the dark clouds ahead of me. I don't know what lies in it, clueless how the journey will go. I'm clinging into this raft floating against the angry winds, I'm definite that I can hold on to it, but I can't be certain if the slabs have been fastened strongly enough. Taking chances has been our bestfriend even before we started this relationship and it resulted to something great and wonderful. I do wish, all day everyday that nomatter how small this little boat is, it could conquer the impossibilities.

I don't know the intensity of your ambiguity.. same as im not sure with mine... Can you give me something to hold on to? A strong one.. They say love can conquer the distance and time, but it isn't easy.. you know its not easy. I dont know what to think anymore.. I hate and dont want to see things ahead.. but.......

I'm scared...

Destiny.. What is?

I never sincerely believed in destiny... A lot of people say, when you meet that someone special God has chosen for you, whatever you do, no matter how hard you try to escape, if you belong to each other's arms, you will be..

Being inlove is keeping yourself enclosed in a cage even when its door is left open. Falling inlove itself though is not something that you have to decide for, its staying inlove that does. Love is never forceful, and its not a very easy path that most people imagine. Before you get in, you have the option to stay or not to stay. You have the free will to end it right right there and then or to give a chance and live with it forever. If its a dead end, atleast, one wouldn't spend the rest of their lifetime wondering what's in store for them.

True, I somehow fought the idea of destiny, but i started to believe in it when I met you. I mocked the people who wait for the right person to come along, but because of you, I learned that waiting is better than making a choice from what's available. I heard someone saying, love/relationship is like searching for something that you lost or misplaced. You tend to even turn everything up side down to find it and when you finally give up looking, it will just show up. I din't search for you.. you just came.. I can tell that its merely impossible to find such a wonderful creature out of the hundreds of thousand people signed up from where I've known you.. I'm certain that fate made its toll and that toll was more than amazing. When we kissed that night, it said it all.. it defined all unspoken words. Oh how sweet your lips were, until now I still can feel the sensation from the first, and every single time we do.. I just hope and pray that this gesture, the romance will never become just a routine. Iloveyou, and I will say it every day. Thank you for taking the chances.. Thank you for giving it a try.. I owe you my everything..

In Love

Funny how people fall in love... They are into undefinable behavior. They can, well figuratively cross the oceans for the sake of that someone they love..

That's what I am right now. It is such a delightful feeling. It warms my heart... If I was Edward, you must be my Bella. I don't know what you can do, or its extent, if you can fight for me when its needed, or will you just give up on me. I obliterated what lies ahead... I have forgotten or shall I say Icouldn't care less about the "WHAT IFs". I simply just want the sensibility to stay. I don't want to look beyond the day after tomorrow. I want to live one day at a time. But you know what I am looking forward to? It's to grow old with you. I promise I will be your best friend, your companion as we wait for the day when we finally leave this world. I will still love you even after the romance is long gone. I will still kiss you, embrace you, fix your hair and touch your wrinkled skin and face. I will still love your scent even if its almost the same as the fume of the earth. I will still call you my girl and will still tell you each day how much iloveyou.. I will still hold your hand when there's nothing else to speak about. I will still look, gaze at you as if you are still the most beautiful woman in the world, but ofcourse, in my eyes, you will remain that way.

Now, you promise me, nomatter what happens, stay with me. Keep loving me and never let me go. Aftertoday, I know there's a lot more perplex situation along the way, but I need you to be strong... We both have to be strong... iloveyou.. that's eternal.

My Better Half

I can go out to the ends of the earth in search for true love, but why shall I if that person is right next to me now?

They say destiny will take you to where you belong.. Indeed, it did... it took me to where you are. There is no one in this whole world who can turn me into something I want to be, but you. When I found you, I have been floating in mid air, drifted by whatever current there is. You saved me! All my life, I have waited for this love to be complemented, people come and go but there was no fufillment, no contentment as there was a hollow space within, there was a piece missing, You completed me that very same day, you ended my long waiting and wandering. You fitted perfectly to my "what might have beens"... I can only wish you can see the glory in my eyes whenever I look at you. I can only wish you can feel the beat of my heart exemplfying your very own name. I can only hope for you to stay forever, because I don't want to wait another lifetime finding you. I only have one life and I want to make it last with you in it. Dreams are just dreams until they become real, and you made everything, all things alive and true. It's crazy, yes I know, you find me crazy for loving you, but what's sanity if you're not in my story? I can only do so much, I cannot be perfect and I couldn't fulfill the whole person you have dreamt of, but I am grateful still that you defied the norm just for me to call you my own. I will never trade my dark and stormy sky with any fine weather just as long as you are there holding my hand as we watch the menace devour the earth.

It's funny how you managed to love me like this, but let it be.. you have conformed my own destiny. Iloveyou... keep living as I am not that strong to conquer life's obstacle without you.

Sentimental Garbage

Graphical...

Insolently obscured fabricated thoughts.. I know it not, I've seen it not.. But its so vivid as if I have literally seen it.

I want to know it all but knowing everything hurts sometimes regardless if it's the present or the past. It keeps coming into life nomatter how I try to be oblivious.. It evades my defenses.. it shatters my soul.. Your honesty pains and discomforts me, but it doesnt mean i want you to stop.. speak to me your words, reveal to me your mind.. let the truth be not concealed because i'd rather be bruised but is aware where i stand than thinking all is well and will end up otherwise.

I set no bounderies when I fall inlove.. even the fury of hell or the condemnation of heavens cannot hold me back and keep me from loving you.. you have had your turns, that I don't care... I dont mind.. i dont need to be your first... i just need you to make me your last.