Three Years and Counting.. All My Hopes...

                    Today is our third year anniversary. Am I happy? I surely am. How's everything going? I think it's great.. I think.. I can only speak for myself of course.  I suddenly had the urge of reading articles about ways to know if your relationship is failing, a good read and good basis for a hit check, makes me count how many of these signs I am familiar with or if there is anything at all. Article below is from: 
http://www.connectingsingles.com/article517/9-signs-your-relationship-is-over.htm

1) You no longer feel as though you genuinely like your partner:
There are many different signs that you no longer like your partner’s personality or their contributions to your life. Perhaps spending time with them has become a burdensome bore to you, or when you think about them you have stopped smiling and feeling a warm glow of affection. You might find every little thing that they do to be deeply annoying rather than endearing, and you may find that even the sound of their voice has started to grate on you. If any of this sounds familiar, it is highly likely that you no longer even enjoy your partner’s personality and companionship at the level of friendship (let alone romance).

2) Talking about the future feels awkward and forced:
Planning for your future should be exciting and should fill you both with hope. If talking about where you will be in a few years makes one or both of you feel uneasy and sad, this is probably because of a shared sense that the relationship should not or will not exist in a few years. Similarly, if imagining staying together makes you feel dread and depression rather than a sense of optimism, perhaps your feelings of love have been worn down by the relationship’s superficiality or by constant interpersonal struggles. It is also worth noting that if you cannot even picture a future with your partner at all, this is probably an indicator that you’re aware of how incompatible your long-term desires and needs really are.

3) You or your partner are developing feelings for other people:
While it is common to fleetingly notice other attractive people while in a serious relationship, if you are capable of developing genuine feelings for someone other than your partner then this is a sign that something is seriously wrong between the two of you. You have started to devote your resources, your time and your fantasies to someone new. In some cases, a relationship can recover from this if the person with the crush is willing to physically and mentally distance themselves from the object of their affections. However, sometimes the emotional betrayal felt by the other partner is too much to bear, and the relationship is bound to end whether the crush is unrequited or not.

4) You aren't communicating:
You probably talked to each other all the time when you first got together. You will have discussed very deep personal issues, family relationships, dreams and fears. If you find that conversation between you is now stilted, very shallow, or solely focused on practical concerns (e.g. who should take out the trash), this means that you are no longer as close to each other as you once were.

5) You feel envious when you see other couples:
When you are around happy couples, you should feel pleased for them and also be able to recognize your own behaviors in the way they show affection and respect to one another. If you find that you are feeling jealousy and discomfort instead, this is a reliable indicator that you are extremely dissatisfied with your own relationship. If you are wishing that you had what other couples have or are yearning to be treated the way that other people treat each other, you are not truly happy with your own partner any more.

6) One of you has cheated:
Few relationships can survive infidelity. If one half of the couple feels the urge to cheat and is not deterred by the fact that it would hurt their partner, it is highly unlikely that the person is genuinely in love. Even if the infidelity is forgiven and satisfactorily explained, the innocent party in the relationship will find it very hard to get over the sense of betrayal and the lingering trust problems.

7) You are constantly fighting:
Fighting is normal in any close personal relationship. However, if you spend more time arguing than having fun, this is a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. It is particularly worrying if the fighting mainly takes the form of mean jibes designed to hurt each other, and if you do not put in the time and effort required to really get to the bottom of what is causing your fights. If you do not have the energy to reach genuine resolutions, it is likely that you no longer care about the relationship’s survival to the extent that you once did.

8) Your sex life is limited or non-existent:
Unless there are known causes that have nothing to do with your relationship, a lack of sex is a significant warning sign. You should be particularly concerned if you no longer feel sexual desire for your partner, or if they react to your sexual overtures by looking nonplussed and making thin excuses to abstain from making love.

9) You no longer miss one another when you are apart:
It is normal and healthy to enjoy time alone and to enjoy spending time with friends or family. However, if you spend substantial amounts of time away from your partner then you should slowly begin to strongly miss their presence. If you find that you are indifferent (or, worse, relieved) when you are not with your partner, this should tell you that you do not enjoy their company or their affection as much as would be ideal.

Arguably, the most important of the above signs that your relationship is over is a sense that you no longer even genuinely like your partner as a person. It is hard (if not impossible) to come back from such a profound emotional transition. However, if it is one (or some) of the other nine signs that sound familiar to you, it may be that all is not yet lost. A relationship counselor can coach you through trying to recover your old bond and help you to remember the reasons why you fell in love. It is important to know when to keep fighting for something that is worthwhile, but it is also vital to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

Know When It's Time To Let Go

Whether you're currently in relationship, good.. bad.. or once were... something here might be applicable to you..

All these years, you've been trying to rebuild a so called "Beautiful Love Story"... "Enchanting!!" "Magical!!" yada yada yada. Unfortunately, looking at each and every angle, it's obviously failing. Stubborn as you are, you find ways.. patch things up.. Voila! it appears to be good again.. on and on that cycle goes. How many times have you devoured your pride just to avoid a fight?? How much more tears will you shed before accepting the fact that you have fooled yourself enough? When will you realize, that aside from your other half, you are human too and can get badly wounded in the process.  This is insanity, don't you think? "Doing the exact same thing over and over expecting a different result.." If you know, in your heart, that you've done your part, as religiously as it can possibly be, let go. Life is too wonderful and too short to be wasted in a preposterous union.  I couldn't agree more that "Love is giving without expecting anything in return". But isn't love more amazing and real if it is mutual? In a relationship, when one stops to care and ceases to complement the other, everything starts to fall apart. By all means, you have every right to save it, but if you are the only one left fighting..you should know that it's time...

So you want another chance?(You just can't get enough, can you?) You want to push your luck? You want to figure out what you've done wrong? Let me ask you this, what more can you possibly do differently when you've already given your all? You've given the whole yard instead of half. You got your heart broken one to many times. You went through hell and back. If you could only sell your soul, I bet you already did! Do you think you deserve this? You might be the perfect partner and the best in everything, but you cannot make someone love back you once they decided to stop. You can't ask them to stay when all they wanted is to go. They don't want to be with you anymore, that simple. Spare your self from a greater damage. You see, while you are too busy  trying to break-in to that fully sealed window of your failed relationship, you might be missing a door widely open waiting for you, a door to your real happiness.

It is true, we are in a relationship because we want to love and be loved (most cases). One other common reason is, we are afraid to be alone, so we seek refuge from another individual. Whatever the case maybe, the moment we enter into this stage in life, we have to maintain the balance. No matter how crazily in love we are, we shouldn't let ourselves be confined behind the shadow of the other person, or be bossed around to the extent of losing our identity. When we decide to invest all that we have in a relationship, we should always make sure that the price is all worth it. Not that we are expecting things to be reciprocated, but what's the point of being into it if we can't enjoy the benefit? Really and truly I do believe there's nothing wrong in giving everything we have, it's our choice. However, leaving nothing to ourselves is not right either. Besides, once our partner leaves us, we have no one other than ourselves. Always remember, we are our only ally.  Lucky to those who can stand the test of time, that, I can say is true love crafted and molded by two souls bound to be together for the rest of their lives.

NOW MOVE ON..  Don't be afraid to give up your comfort zone(your "safety net" as per my partner in crime). Easier said than done eh? Well if you start learning to love yourself more and to think of the "me" first before others, you'll realize that it isn't that hard. Learn to say no once in a while when you think its appropriate. Don't try to please everyone because you never can. You were never born to live up to anyone's expectations. Most importantly, you don't need anyone's approval, do whatever you think is right, and if it turns out the other way around, then stand on your ground.That's your decision, that's your life.  Find happiness, not from someone else, find it in you. You are a wonderful creation, appreciate the beauty and power you possess. Be contented of what you have and drop the unnecessary baggage you are carrying. If you feel your other half is just another heavy load dragging you down and taking up space in your life, or worse wasting your time, let him/her go.. Be free! When it's due, new love will find its way home to you.

Meet and Greet

So how was it? Meeting the person I despised all these years? Well, I can say it wasn't all that bad. In fact I felt better after.  Peace of mind, I guess? The level of anxiety is now close to nothing. Not fully gone but at least I don't feel the same kind of resentment anymore. I still wanted though to pick a baseball bat and beat her ass up! Anyway, modesty aside, she is amusing, that must have been one of the reasons why The other half got so hooked with her. She is the kind of person who can talk for an hour without getting tired. Made me laugh a dozen times and I give her that credit(I am easily pleased with anything just for the record). The only part that I hated was when they hugged each other, that was awkward. I didn't know how to react. I felt a tiny jolt. But I can't be mad, we were at her territory. And besides, I am a peace-loving creature. I wondered how The other half felt about her now. I asked and I was told there was nothing, nothing anymore. It better be.. I guess that will not be the last of it. I am certain will see each other again. Maybe. I still am not comfortable with the idea of them going out together though. I still can't say yes for sure.

Second Thoughts

I was all set. Super excited to move to a different level of phone technology. I've been a user of blackberry phone for some 1 year now. Recently, I have fantasized the new(well not so new) Blackberry 9900. I love the style, the sleek design and totality of the outer core. Its brushed stainless steel accent, battery cover lined by black matte plastic with a slightly rubbery finish for a tighter grip, and lightweight at 10.5 mm thick (not a feather-like, but not how you expect a blackberry would be). Its gorgeous, I can literally drool. As many says, it's the Canadian-based phone maker's(RIM) flagship. This bold offers a cutting-edge tech, highest specs so far from all other phones the company released. 1.2 GHz QC processor, 5 Mega Pixels camera with LED flash. 8GB internal memory(up to 32GB via external memory card).. not anywhere near the zooming specification of iPhone or the new Android phones, but its more than what is expected blackberry can come up with. Besides, a user just like me coming from this old junky Curve 8310, this is sensational, let alone I am a blackberry fanatic. :)

Dilemma: The phone is pricey, the current offer is Php 27,800 at the least. Like what I said, I was all set, but there is a very thin line between me going for it or backing out. For just a little tiny bit of hint of objection or the likes, I flip. I can get the resources in no time, the only problem is.. now I'm undecided. I think.. maybe.. I'll pass..

It's Over and It's Ok

As I was turning my house up side down, I happen to stumble on an old Philippine Daily Inquirer page, dated February 21, 2007, an old stuff  I never realized I've been keeping all these years.. Love the Articles on it..  Being a pack-rat isn't bad after all...

CLOSURE CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS IN PHILOSOPHY AND MATH. BUT AS FAR AS ROMANCE IS CONCERNED, CLOSURE IS THE RIGHT WORD FOR THE COMPLETE CONCLUSION OF RELATIONSHIP.

          It is that distinct sense of freedom from all the grudges, bitterness and resentment that a bad breakup may have brought. Closure is also a freedom from wishful thinking, false hopes and incessant novenas for the loved one to come back. Simply put, when you've found closure, it means you know it's over, and it's just okay that way.

          The question is: When do you say "It's over and it's okay?"

A normal person won't be happy to end a relationship that's been part of his/her life, especially if the relationship has lasted for a significant length of time. Still, it does not mean that no normal person would end a relationship. In fact, a mentally sound person would know when a relationship should come to an end.

          Following are some of the possible scenario that can lead to a breakup (not in order): lack of common interests, infidelity, boredom, pride, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, the presence of a third party, etc. Some relationships overcome, some try to overcome; but not every relationship can overcome these issues.

          Let's face it: Everybody wants something more-especially if he or she ends up with people who are used to giving less than what they can actually give.

          Once the stage of being blindly in love is over and all the romantic issues are exposed, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay, especially when things just get worse day by day. (Sometimes, they don't really get worse; they just become more obvious).

Then once the limit for overcoming is met, the breakup happens, If you've been aroud, or have friends who have been around, you'll know for sure that breakups never just happen. A breakup is always the end result of a series of unpleasant events. Falling out of love is merely one of these unpleasant occurences.

          An ideal breakup, one partner says it's over, and the other agees and even feels relieved that the breakup need not come from him/her, or that finally, the breakup happened before the relationship got any deeper or more serious.

Annie Reeds' (Meg Ryan) breakup with her fiance in "Sleepless in Seattle" is classic example of a clean, smooth and ideal breakup. Minutes after breaking up with the guy she can't afford to marry,she's with Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) and they are free to start a new relationship without fear of being stalked, threatened, humiliated or cursed.

We all wish every breakup is like that. But not everyone finds closure fast and easy especially when there are no Sam Baldwin or Annie Reeds meeting on top of the Empire State Building. Enough about the movies! In real life, closure does not come easily to everyone. This is because not everyone understands why breakups need to happen.

          In a funny way, even with a list of thousand reasons for breakup, the other party would still think that the issues could be worked out. This is tricky, because once you hear the reason leading to breakup, it should be quite evident that your loved one is unhappy with you. And once you start coming up with a rebuttal, it only means you're making an argument, not to save the relationship, but to prove you're right. On one hand, it's good to "fight" for your love. On the other hand, what would you be fighting for if the other person has decided to move on? Where is the "love" in that person?

DIFFERENT MARKS

          I've seen people who found it hard to let go because they thought the reasons given to them were lame and irrational. They try to argue back without realizing that the reason were only the lame and irrational to them because they are looking at their relationship in different ways. They are not on the same page. They're going on different directions. They are not aiming for the same marks. Therefore, it does not make sense for them to continue on a journey together.

Who is the "third party"? The androgynous character is so notorious character is so notorious for breaking up a lot of relationships. Poor Third Party, even when you're not the real reason, others would still put the blame on you, not getting that you won't be in the scene without much help from the first or second party.

          People just give you too much credit because you're easier to blame. In "My Best Friend's Wedding", Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) couldn't let go of Michael O'neal (Dermot Mulroney) who was getting married to someone he just met. So with much conviction, she told her gay friend George (Rupert Everett), "I can make him happier than her." To which George replied, "Is this about winning?"

Unfortunately, it is so easy to forget that love is not about winning, or comparing yourself to anyone whom you're love interest has chosen to marry. Love is always about giving and setting free.

          You can wallow over broken heart all your life. Or, you can just begin to live with the fact that your relationship may be over but your life is not, and at the rate the population is increasing on this planet, there's a good chance you'll meet someone new and begin a new relationship.

          Form your own closure by accepting that it's over and love is not about winning. It's always about the journey.

Again, question: When do you say that "It's over and it's okay?"

Answer: Whenever you're willing and ready. (Keep saying you're not, and you never will be.)

by: Arlene Paredes

Philippine Daily Inquirer

February 21, 2007

In Just One Snap... Just Like That

That feeling when you get all lively, perky, joyful, giggly, enthusiastic.. one snap.. and almost instantly, these excitements are gone. withheld.. halted.. It was like a metal on a furnace treated prematurely and plunged into a frozen sea.. It should have been forged to perfection but the end result.. a broken sword.

Our failure to recognize the real intention of our action is mostly the cause of our argument. My stubbornness, wrong choices of words and how I lack the capability to present my side of story get into your nerves. I know you try to understand but its not everyday that you are at your best. Your mood swings and you may be a little bit short tempered sometimes.. These and some other small details make the totality of our rare emotional fiasco.

Whenever we get into some disagreement, our differences become evident. But in one way or another, we are heading to the same point and that is enough to make me believe that behind all these unlikeness, we still have a lot more things in common. That I know, is what's holding us together, and... The love which brought us to where we are at right now.

(don't forget, we can only fight once every month.. that deal is still on)

What More Can I Ask For?

Sweetness of A Long Distance Lover

This long distance relationship, as how I have known, was as bad as hell, but I realized it isn't, really. Being apart gave us room to test our dedication. It made us grow and deepen the feelings and helped us learn how to handle situations out of the ordinary. We are young at heart, playful and childish in so many ways, but we are old for our ages and mature enough to see through the complexity of a lot of things. We don't really have much of a serious conversations but we have been able to talk things through when it gets rough. We understand each other, or atleast, that's what we've always been trying to do even if at times we can't. We have some contradicting ideas that has caused our once in a while disputes, but that's what complements us right? I guess..

I never wished to have a perfect relationship or a perfect partner. I don't need someone who will agree to all my ways and just say yes when it should be a no. I needed somebody who disagrees and can stand for it. Someone who can show me I'm wrong in a good way. Someone who can point out my flaws and negativities but will understand. Someone who doesn't look at me superficially but sees the beauty within. Somebody who can manage to hold my hand after the pain and tears from a fight and can still say "I love you.. regardless". And finally, a person who'll never leave my side when time comes that I don't have anything else to give.

Do I still need to continue wishing? Do I keep searching? Nah.. I have her here.. It's all right here.. I've got all I needed, I've got all I wanted.. I can't ask for more.  

My Valentine Intricacy

I'm not really good at picking out gifts, don't have a creative mind to come up with any ideas for special occassions. February, month of love, my mind is whirling badly anxious of what I can possibly do or give to my other half (especially she's miles away).

Nuninuninu.. "too late to make a personalized valentine card, it's a shame if she ends up receiving it on Easter.." (think think think.. research online).. "aha!! what about cake, cookies, sweets.. argh!! she's diabetic" (browse online for sugar-free cake/cookies delivery) "there! I found one.. "SEND SUGAR FREE CAKE ANYWHERE IN THE US - from Pakistan!" come on! seriously!? grrrr.." I was stuck, the 14th is as close as, 1+13, yeah 14 days before Valentine's day(how hard is that?) What am I gonna do now? For sure she wouldn't mind a simple "Happy Valentine's Day dear!! greeting" NO!! I want something special, it doesn't need to be the best but atleast special. O heavens I need a hand here? Kindly?" Like a flickering and nearly dying bulb, "FLOWERS" suddenly popped up..yeah! She's not a big fan of flowers.. but what the h***. I'll try my luck..

There's a lot of online florist - the hardest part is choosing which one is going to deliver what I expect a flower would be. For God knows how many more days I spent, reading blogs, checking reviews, customers comments. It seems, nearly all of them are disatisfied with the service and products they got.  It started to buffle me. Well, this is the only way. I successfully convinced my self to believe in a saying that goes "you cannot please everyone" so I continued. I am not a flower lover either but the pictures on the web were too fascinating. Just one more look, and I made up my mind.  I focused on one florist's website www.proflowers.com, still I had a humongous challenge.. "what flower should I give?". Oh, this is endless. Another day or two -flipping the webpages, downloading the pictures comparing the products.. Ok, lets get this over with! I finally placed an order for this Peruvian Lilies called 200 Blooms of Love, they're beautiful! Probem is it's just a photograph, anything can be done to make it look good (echoing in my head are the ranting disappointed customers).  Despite of all this, I took my chances. February 9th, everything is set - 200 Blooms of Love with Ruby Gathering(that's what the vase's called) to be delivered on the 13th, Monday. I've had it sent to her workplace(how I got the address? its a different story).

Delivery date, I was so excited and nervous at the same time, will my flowers find their way? Unexpected twist, she took a day off, she wasn't feeling well or was too tired after all the works last week(unfortunately she needed to work on the weekends). I almost lost my hopes. Night came, I saw a box on her bed, my spirit was lifted, the delivery was a success!! cheers to that! :) She silently and carefully unboxed it, arranged them in the vase - her smile, the smile on her face made everything worth it. My heart almost dance with gladness.

This is how it looked like out of the box

Second day, it started to bud and they're more alive.

Third, they're becoming more and more beautiful.

Fully bloomed on the fourth day.

Still blooming on its sixth.

Ninth day and it's still a beauty

This is the 200 Blooms of Love on its 11th day. Isn't it amazing?

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I really can't describe how happy I was and still am whenever I see the flowers in your room, blooming. I know in time, they will wither and you have to throw them away, but I will never forget how these flowers gave you a glow and painted a smile on your face. I am grateful that even if it's that simple, you aprreciated and loved it. I love you and thank you.
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'til the next one. :)

Love.. what a wonder

When you ask an individual "why do you love him/her" or "how do you know you love that person" you will end up getting the answer "uhm.. well.." or "I just know".. Oftentimes, you really can't get a straight answer... I too will fail if I am to be asked. Rarely(or not at all) can one describe how it feels like to be inloved.. You know its there but the moment you start putting it to words, it just never feel right. That feeling when your heart beats differently everytime you hear the name or whenever the person is near.. It's that glow in your eyes that can illuminate the whole world for seeing one single sweet smile.. its that chill and shiver (in a good way) brought by a thousand bolts of lightning when you touch.. its that warmth and comfort  when you two hug.. its the aroma of the kiss that is more intoxicating than whiskey.. its that calmness deep within that puts you in equilibrium like every piece finding its own place in a puzzle.. What an amazing and wondrous feeling.

When you find your true love, you can't see any other ray of light besides the one that leads you to this person. When you find your true love, you find your home.. your contentment.. your everything.. You'll realize that even if your life is not the best in this world, you'll feel the inner joy.. the eternal satisfaction.Once you find this soul, there is nothing you want to do but to continue living, grow old with him/her.. give all your love.. until you both shall live.

I Miss You..

          You looked so near, yet I cannot hold you. I can't feel your warmth.. I can't smell your scent.. I miss you..

          Staring at you this close on my screen without being able to embrace you torments me. But, it won't be long my love. Just another six months and you will be with me for good. We won't need to count anymore days, because everyday will become our day. For me, this time around is harder.. worse than I ever thought. But how diffucult is it to wait? I managed to make it through the first half, no reasons why I couldn't for the second. 

          Your silence is deafening. I don't know what's on your mind. Just the same, we don't really talk about our emotions.. We relay them in this manner.. chat.. text. Would you be very kind to tell me what you're thinking of? Things that bother you this very moment? You tried to smile.. but those eyes.. baby they are the window to your very soul. They project the grief and anxiety you have inside - I can see it.. :( How I wish I could do something. How I wish I could give a light to your darkened spirit.. but **SIGH** the lamp of my being isn't that bright to give you illumination. Please.. please find your self.. find your comfort and look forward to the end of this.. can you see that glow from a distance? that's the end of the tunnel.. we're almost there love.. this one year is almost over. just hold on tight.. hold my hands.. we will finish this chapter of our lives...

I Call Me The Blessed

          I am a plain and simple person. I don't ask much. I am contented with whatever there is. Thankful for every little thing that I find a blessing(may it be good or bad). I became older yesterday but for a consolation, you still are older than I am. And that is a fact that we will continue to live on for the rest of our lives.

          Allow me to say thank you. Thank you for making this the grandest birthday I ever had. Lucky is the word, but I would rather call me "THE BLESSED". Why? I have everything I needed.. I have everything I wanted for my special day. I know its a challenge for a family oriented  person just like you to trade special occasions - Christmas or New Year for a lesser significant one like my birthday. But that's what you did! You set aside the chance to be united with your love ones and have chosen to be with me instead. (my birthday isn't lesser significant after all)

          I couldn't thank you enough for going through all the troubles. I know you are tired,all the travels and other stuff but you didn't mind. You're supposed to be resting or be with your kins but you went the other way and gave a room for us to be together. You have no idea how wonderful it is, how great the feeling is for each moment that you're with me. Just the time alone.. ITS PRICELESS.. A gift that isn't comparable to anything. How I wish I can give you back all the joy and happiness you're giving. But I cannot. All I can do is pray and hope that God will handle it for me. Baby.. you make me feel like I'm the most blessed life-form on earth. I couldn't ask for more.. Eveything.. anything you give and do to me is a perfection.. You are the life of my life.. the breath that I breathe.. the water that sustains me. You are my world. my balance.. my infinity, my very own definition. my fulfillment.. I love you with every beat of my heart.. with all my heart... with all my soul. Please don't ever change.. Please don't ever leave me, if you possibly can?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.. :)

Hit Check... (How are we doing so far?)

We've been fearful of the day we have to part. Overly anticipating what and how it's going to be (you being away). We were clueless on how we can make it through..

It's almost 4 months, and how are we doing so far? I can say we are doing a very good job maintaining what we have (God bless the tech geniuses who made all these cyber communications possible). We talk, send messages and then talk again, every day.. We sleep on it and then talk again. Lately I have noticed, you were frequently asking if I'm getting tired of you or of what we do.. And I have the same answer to that my love... "NO". Are you? True, sometimes we don't have much of a topic for discussions anymore, you do your thing and I do mine, but having you on the othe side of the line makes me feel we're just hanging out not necessarily doing anything or talking about something in particular.. but close enough to feel your presence as if you're just beside me... like how we used to. I don't mind sitting here all day everyday until you finally come home. I don't fancy going out with friends or unwind and visit places if it's not you that I am with. You may not understand or know how it makes me feel but trully and honestly, it's becoming an obligation being with somebody that's not you. I can't enjoy anyone else's company especially when all I can think of is to get home and speak to you again. It may seem to you that I am deprived of having a normal life (I don't know what you mean though), but baby you are my life and you are giving a life to the life itself. I would want nothing more than to be with you.. spend all my time and the time after that with you. I don't have the looks, the guts or the wealth. I too am not the romantic guru type who can make you feel thrilled everytime.. and I can't offer you the world either as its not my possession. I can only give you my undying love and admiration to the best possible way I can.

People have different prospectives. Even if we complement each other and have a lot of traits in common, you may still see life, or spending life differently that I do. I don't own you, neither your life nor your time. Your heart and love is the only thing I can call my own. I'll do whatever it takes so noone can take it away from me.. Please let me keep that. I hope you won't get tired of me too. I hope you won't find me boring and repetetive. If so, please give me a hint as I don't even know what boring exactly means.

Long distance relationship really is a challenge. A lot of things may need to be set aside. Sacrifices may need to be offered. Life style may need to be changed. But above it all we should have the same goal, the same dream, the same direction. As it has been known, many failed but some people have survived. Those who succeeded had the best reward.. Its knowing that they found their one true love who is more than willing to go through hell to keep the love alive. Baby.. as early as now, I know we can make it... I know we can pull it through. I believe in you.. I trust what we have. Soon, we will meet again. Soon...

Today, a day like any other day...

(But the best day to look back to...)
Oct 30th, 2011 marks the 12 mos. of our togetherness

You are there, and I am here.. We are celebrating our event in two separate places and time.
But regardless of the distance... nothing will make me less inloved with you.. I was misplaced.. distressed.. unwhole.. disorriented.. uncontented and lost. But when I met you, the elements of the universe conspired and put me back together. Who said angels only are from heaven? I don't agree as I found mine on earth. One without wings or halo and is not dressed in white. Angel of a great beauty and heart full of kindness, baby, that was you.

Life is complex, puzzling.. obscure. One may have lived five decades or so but still a lot of things in life is a mystery. Like us, we have been together for such a long time. We've learned the most what's and how's about one another but having that said, we still have a lot of things to discover, mysteries that are yet to uncover. It's not that we are hiding anything, these are the things that even us, to ourselves, aren't known. Baby, looking back to these 12 months, never cease to give my heart joy. We've talked about it over and over.. repeated each situation and how we came to where we are now - same story, same cause and effect. Still is and will forever be a story that I won't grow tired of reminscing.

Tonight, as of this writing, I am lonely not because I am alone. I am sad because i miss u.. twice as much. But I'm trying not to.. i see no point to be. I know you are there, still loving me in spite of you being away. Thank you for the love.. thank you for being my love.. and thank you for allowing me to love you. In time, you will be with me again. In time.... This is the day.. like any other day.. but a day that was made extra special when you've stepped into my life. You are being loved by me... so much.

Ruthless...

I heard something cracked... I guess it was my heart. This is a feeling I had after watching the video of a two-year old kid ran over by two cars. Not just some ordinary cars, big ones. How can it be possible that the person driving the car was unable to see the kid when in fact, she was there even before the vehicle came close? Well maybe the driver's eyes were shut, oh or can he be blind? Sensational! Then came the passers-by. Some did not even stop to look at the kid and some threw a glance but move on to their own ways. I cannot stand the thought of the other car, well truck that passed through as if nothing or noone's lying there. Is this how it is in China? I've always been wanting to see the Great Wall but now I'm scared. Like people in that place don't care if I fell off the walls, so why bother? lol! I don't hate Chinese and I'm in no position to condemn just because of this. Maybe there is an explanation. But still, whatever reason it is, I can't find justification for it. Rock on motherf****rs!!

Deep Sigh... Its All I Can Let Out

We started alright tonight. We talked, laugh.. looked silly and stuff. What we started did not end well and I was puzzled.. We were just making fun of each other when you suddenly came up with an idea - I declined. It looked so simple, I guess? That was why you.. probably... somehow... were ticked off. Am I right, or am I just feeling guilty of what I have done, or haven't done. It felt all wrong. I hate it when you turn your back on me without saying a word. I hate it when you leave me hanging not knowing what's wrong. I hate it when I am supposed to be upset yet I become the one to be blamed. I hate it when I shouldn't be at fault but turned out to be. Sometimes.. I can't understand how simplicity becomes so complex and leads to either me hurting you, or you hurting yourself. You said we should always talk things through. You said it'll be best to fix things on that same instance, what happened now? I told you I'll do everything for you, but now its tormenting me - I seem to fail that. I know you make all possible consideration on how I would feel, but tonight, your emotions must have blinded the rationality of your thoughts. It pains me, but I can understand. I can't blame you...

A Letter From A Friend 23-Dec 2010

**Just found this while turning my things upside down.. I decided to have it be written down before it vanishes as its in scribed on a paper.. deep thanks to you too..my friend**

It's always hard to start a letter so let me get straight to the point. You always thank me for being there for you, for letting you drag me into situations, for being a friend. But I say, "Thank you!" thank you for giving me the chance to be a friend. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the credits you're giving me. Because the truth is I should be the one giving the credits to you. Whenever things go wrong and you let me be there for you, it makes me feel good. Remember when I told you that I want to be somebody's hero??? You make me feel that way tsong. And I didn't get the chance to tell you sooner because I was too busy dealing with other nonsense things. I have so many issues within me that I sometimes neglect the thing that I have, things I'm lucky I have -- You, your friendship, your life(specially you love life, hehe). Thanks for sharing it all with me. Merely saying these words can't even validate how grateful I am. I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the same chance, maybe someday. But for now I just want to give the recognition to you. I couldn't ask for a better gify, even if its the same every year for the rest of my life. Thank you tsong! I love you! Happy Holidays!

Melancholic

Trully wonderful having your face to be the last I see before I sleep. Hearing you breathe, feeling your heartbeat, smelling your scent before the night completely consumes me. You being there gives me serenity..

As soon as we ended our conversation..I felt the deepest loneliness ever in my entire life.. Tears kept falling, I wanted it to cease but it pains even more trying to..you are nowhere near now..its tough, too darn difficult to think that I won't be with you for a long time.. you are the only reason why I am excited to wake up each day and to get off work cause it won't be long and I'd be with you again.. its for us both I know.. but mind at times is inferior to the heart.. and unlike a computer bug, this don't have fix.. or ailment of no cure.. it just is.. oh how I miss u.. like I always have that chill even during the warmest time of the day.. I'm longing for the comfort of your embrace.. the sweetness of your lips.. the touch.. that touch of your hand that assures me everything is fine.. the laugh you let out which always brightens my day.. i'm nothing without you..

Wishes, Hopes... Prayers

One.. two weeks.. its zooming.. I just can't believe its that fast. Well what can we do but to wish, hope and pray that whatever we have will remain, will stay intact no matter what.

Two days ago.. you became older. But its something to thank about because you're alive. I knew it was not a bash, you were restless and anxious, maybe because of stress, but I am still greatful that somehow, I saw a smile, the lovely smile that I always wish you wear truthfully. I can't completely describe how my heart leap everytime I see you beam at the same time shatter whenever I see that you're troubled, like my happiness is dependent on it. All I want in this life, as if its my only purpose, is to make you happy, to make everything easy for you. But now, how can I make that happen if my heart is losing its radiance. How can I possibly give you the delight when I'm in deep solitude. I've seen everything, all the possible things that proves it is happening, I still can't compose myself and be made to believe that this is really it.. that its sealed. I have been with you for eight months and each moment has been a wonder, but soon, very soon you will be away almost twice as much as we were together. I've been keeping the tears, somewhere and I hope it won't come near any sooner. I don't want to grieve because I know this is for the better. I want nothing but happy thoughts until we unite again.

I trust you like I never trusted anyone else. I will wait for you with great hopes that when you come back, we will again share the same things that we lways had.I know it wont go anywhere as we will keep it in our hearts. Please hold on tightly to our love.. don't ever let it go.

I am so deeply inlove with you... with my life.

The Rain

I have always hated the rain. It makes me sad, feeling misserable and alone. Whenever the air starts to cool down, I am certain that rain will come along and I start becoming weary. The past few months, I noticed, rain doesn't affect me that much anymore. I am thinking, I must have grown old with the feeling, or was it you that alleviated the discomfort I have whenever this condition happens. I am starting to believe that you are a magician. You make something appear or disappear in thin air. You probably could be a doctor as you always make my pains disappear. Another time I think you are a clown coz you make me laugh without reason what so ever. But one thing is for sure, you are my love - my life rolled into one who makes my existence on earth worth while. ♥♥♥♥♥

Woooot.....

Baguio here we come.. :) heading to the summer capital of the Philippines with my partner. Weeeeeh!!! Weather please calm down. This might be our last out of town this year so cooperate and behave.. Went through a lot though, but all is well.. Thanks Chief, you made evrything smooth, weather na lang po.. :)

Metro Manila... will be back in no time... adia!! I'm outa here.