Three Years and Counting.. All My Hopes...

                    Today is our third year anniversary. Am I happy? I surely am. How's everything going? I think it's great.. I think.. I can only speak for myself of course.  I suddenly had the urge of reading articles about ways to know if your relationship is failing, a good read and good basis for a hit check, makes me count how many of these signs I am familiar with or if there is anything at all. Article below is from: 
http://www.connectingsingles.com/article517/9-signs-your-relationship-is-over.htm

1) You no longer feel as though you genuinely like your partner:
There are many different signs that you no longer like your partner’s personality or their contributions to your life. Perhaps spending time with them has become a burdensome bore to you, or when you think about them you have stopped smiling and feeling a warm glow of affection. You might find every little thing that they do to be deeply annoying rather than endearing, and you may find that even the sound of their voice has started to grate on you. If any of this sounds familiar, it is highly likely that you no longer even enjoy your partner’s personality and companionship at the level of friendship (let alone romance).

2) Talking about the future feels awkward and forced:
Planning for your future should be exciting and should fill you both with hope. If talking about where you will be in a few years makes one or both of you feel uneasy and sad, this is probably because of a shared sense that the relationship should not or will not exist in a few years. Similarly, if imagining staying together makes you feel dread and depression rather than a sense of optimism, perhaps your feelings of love have been worn down by the relationship’s superficiality or by constant interpersonal struggles. It is also worth noting that if you cannot even picture a future with your partner at all, this is probably an indicator that you’re aware of how incompatible your long-term desires and needs really are.

3) You or your partner are developing feelings for other people:
While it is common to fleetingly notice other attractive people while in a serious relationship, if you are capable of developing genuine feelings for someone other than your partner then this is a sign that something is seriously wrong between the two of you. You have started to devote your resources, your time and your fantasies to someone new. In some cases, a relationship can recover from this if the person with the crush is willing to physically and mentally distance themselves from the object of their affections. However, sometimes the emotional betrayal felt by the other partner is too much to bear, and the relationship is bound to end whether the crush is unrequited or not.

4) You aren't communicating:
You probably talked to each other all the time when you first got together. You will have discussed very deep personal issues, family relationships, dreams and fears. If you find that conversation between you is now stilted, very shallow, or solely focused on practical concerns (e.g. who should take out the trash), this means that you are no longer as close to each other as you once were.

5) You feel envious when you see other couples:
When you are around happy couples, you should feel pleased for them and also be able to recognize your own behaviors in the way they show affection and respect to one another. If you find that you are feeling jealousy and discomfort instead, this is a reliable indicator that you are extremely dissatisfied with your own relationship. If you are wishing that you had what other couples have or are yearning to be treated the way that other people treat each other, you are not truly happy with your own partner any more.

6) One of you has cheated:
Few relationships can survive infidelity. If one half of the couple feels the urge to cheat and is not deterred by the fact that it would hurt their partner, it is highly unlikely that the person is genuinely in love. Even if the infidelity is forgiven and satisfactorily explained, the innocent party in the relationship will find it very hard to get over the sense of betrayal and the lingering trust problems.

7) You are constantly fighting:
Fighting is normal in any close personal relationship. However, if you spend more time arguing than having fun, this is a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. It is particularly worrying if the fighting mainly takes the form of mean jibes designed to hurt each other, and if you do not put in the time and effort required to really get to the bottom of what is causing your fights. If you do not have the energy to reach genuine resolutions, it is likely that you no longer care about the relationship’s survival to the extent that you once did.

8) Your sex life is limited or non-existent:
Unless there are known causes that have nothing to do with your relationship, a lack of sex is a significant warning sign. You should be particularly concerned if you no longer feel sexual desire for your partner, or if they react to your sexual overtures by looking nonplussed and making thin excuses to abstain from making love.

9) You no longer miss one another when you are apart:
It is normal and healthy to enjoy time alone and to enjoy spending time with friends or family. However, if you spend substantial amounts of time away from your partner then you should slowly begin to strongly miss their presence. If you find that you are indifferent (or, worse, relieved) when you are not with your partner, this should tell you that you do not enjoy their company or their affection as much as would be ideal.

Arguably, the most important of the above signs that your relationship is over is a sense that you no longer even genuinely like your partner as a person. It is hard (if not impossible) to come back from such a profound emotional transition. However, if it is one (or some) of the other nine signs that sound familiar to you, it may be that all is not yet lost. A relationship counselor can coach you through trying to recover your old bond and help you to remember the reasons why you fell in love. It is important to know when to keep fighting for something that is worthwhile, but it is also vital to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

Know When It's Time To Let Go

Whether you're currently in relationship, good.. bad.. or once were... something here might be applicable to you..

All these years, you've been trying to rebuild a so called "Beautiful Love Story"... "Enchanting!!" "Magical!!" yada yada yada. Unfortunately, looking at each and every angle, it's obviously failing. Stubborn as you are, you find ways.. patch things up.. Voila! it appears to be good again.. on and on that cycle goes. How many times have you devoured your pride just to avoid a fight?? How much more tears will you shed before accepting the fact that you have fooled yourself enough? When will you realize, that aside from your other half, you are human too and can get badly wounded in the process.  This is insanity, don't you think? "Doing the exact same thing over and over expecting a different result.." If you know, in your heart, that you've done your part, as religiously as it can possibly be, let go. Life is too wonderful and too short to be wasted in a preposterous union.  I couldn't agree more that "Love is giving without expecting anything in return". But isn't love more amazing and real if it is mutual? In a relationship, when one stops to care and ceases to complement the other, everything starts to fall apart. By all means, you have every right to save it, but if you are the only one left fighting..you should know that it's time...

So you want another chance?(You just can't get enough, can you?) You want to push your luck? You want to figure out what you've done wrong? Let me ask you this, what more can you possibly do differently when you've already given your all? You've given the whole yard instead of half. You got your heart broken one to many times. You went through hell and back. If you could only sell your soul, I bet you already did! Do you think you deserve this? You might be the perfect partner and the best in everything, but you cannot make someone love back you once they decided to stop. You can't ask them to stay when all they wanted is to go. They don't want to be with you anymore, that simple. Spare your self from a greater damage. You see, while you are too busy  trying to break-in to that fully sealed window of your failed relationship, you might be missing a door widely open waiting for you, a door to your real happiness.

It is true, we are in a relationship because we want to love and be loved (most cases). One other common reason is, we are afraid to be alone, so we seek refuge from another individual. Whatever the case maybe, the moment we enter into this stage in life, we have to maintain the balance. No matter how crazily in love we are, we shouldn't let ourselves be confined behind the shadow of the other person, or be bossed around to the extent of losing our identity. When we decide to invest all that we have in a relationship, we should always make sure that the price is all worth it. Not that we are expecting things to be reciprocated, but what's the point of being into it if we can't enjoy the benefit? Really and truly I do believe there's nothing wrong in giving everything we have, it's our choice. However, leaving nothing to ourselves is not right either. Besides, once our partner leaves us, we have no one other than ourselves. Always remember, we are our only ally.  Lucky to those who can stand the test of time, that, I can say is true love crafted and molded by two souls bound to be together for the rest of their lives.

NOW MOVE ON..  Don't be afraid to give up your comfort zone(your "safety net" as per my partner in crime). Easier said than done eh? Well if you start learning to love yourself more and to think of the "me" first before others, you'll realize that it isn't that hard. Learn to say no once in a while when you think its appropriate. Don't try to please everyone because you never can. You were never born to live up to anyone's expectations. Most importantly, you don't need anyone's approval, do whatever you think is right, and if it turns out the other way around, then stand on your ground.That's your decision, that's your life.  Find happiness, not from someone else, find it in you. You are a wonderful creation, appreciate the beauty and power you possess. Be contented of what you have and drop the unnecessary baggage you are carrying. If you feel your other half is just another heavy load dragging you down and taking up space in your life, or worse wasting your time, let him/her go.. Be free! When it's due, new love will find its way home to you.

Meet and Greet

So how was it? Meeting the person I despised all these years? Well, I can say it wasn't all that bad. In fact I felt better after.  Peace of mind, I guess? The level of anxiety is now close to nothing. Not fully gone but at least I don't feel the same kind of resentment anymore. I still wanted though to pick a baseball bat and beat her ass up! Anyway, modesty aside, she is amusing, that must have been one of the reasons why The other half got so hooked with her. She is the kind of person who can talk for an hour without getting tired. Made me laugh a dozen times and I give her that credit(I am easily pleased with anything just for the record). The only part that I hated was when they hugged each other, that was awkward. I didn't know how to react. I felt a tiny jolt. But I can't be mad, we were at her territory. And besides, I am a peace-loving creature. I wondered how The other half felt about her now. I asked and I was told there was nothing, nothing anymore. It better be.. I guess that will not be the last of it. I am certain will see each other again. Maybe. I still am not comfortable with the idea of them going out together though. I still can't say yes for sure.

Second Thoughts

I was all set. Super excited to move to a different level of phone technology. I've been a user of blackberry phone for some 1 year now. Recently, I have fantasized the new(well not so new) Blackberry 9900. I love the style, the sleek design and totality of the outer core. Its brushed stainless steel accent, battery cover lined by black matte plastic with a slightly rubbery finish for a tighter grip, and lightweight at 10.5 mm thick (not a feather-like, but not how you expect a blackberry would be). Its gorgeous, I can literally drool. As many says, it's the Canadian-based phone maker's(RIM) flagship. This bold offers a cutting-edge tech, highest specs so far from all other phones the company released. 1.2 GHz QC processor, 5 Mega Pixels camera with LED flash. 8GB internal memory(up to 32GB via external memory card).. not anywhere near the zooming specification of iPhone or the new Android phones, but its more than what is expected blackberry can come up with. Besides, a user just like me coming from this old junky Curve 8310, this is sensational, let alone I am a blackberry fanatic. :)

Dilemma: The phone is pricey, the current offer is Php 27,800 at the least. Like what I said, I was all set, but there is a very thin line between me going for it or backing out. For just a little tiny bit of hint of objection or the likes, I flip. I can get the resources in no time, the only problem is.. now I'm undecided. I think.. maybe.. I'll pass..

It's Over and It's Ok

As I was turning my house up side down, I happen to stumble on an old Philippine Daily Inquirer page, dated February 21, 2007, an old stuff  I never realized I've been keeping all these years.. Love the Articles on it..  Being a pack-rat isn't bad after all...

CLOSURE CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS IN PHILOSOPHY AND MATH. BUT AS FAR AS ROMANCE IS CONCERNED, CLOSURE IS THE RIGHT WORD FOR THE COMPLETE CONCLUSION OF RELATIONSHIP.

          It is that distinct sense of freedom from all the grudges, bitterness and resentment that a bad breakup may have brought. Closure is also a freedom from wishful thinking, false hopes and incessant novenas for the loved one to come back. Simply put, when you've found closure, it means you know it's over, and it's just okay that way.

          The question is: When do you say "It's over and it's okay?"

A normal person won't be happy to end a relationship that's been part of his/her life, especially if the relationship has lasted for a significant length of time. Still, it does not mean that no normal person would end a relationship. In fact, a mentally sound person would know when a relationship should come to an end.

          Following are some of the possible scenario that can lead to a breakup (not in order): lack of common interests, infidelity, boredom, pride, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, the presence of a third party, etc. Some relationships overcome, some try to overcome; but not every relationship can overcome these issues.

          Let's face it: Everybody wants something more-especially if he or she ends up with people who are used to giving less than what they can actually give.

          Once the stage of being blindly in love is over and all the romantic issues are exposed, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay, especially when things just get worse day by day. (Sometimes, they don't really get worse; they just become more obvious).

Then once the limit for overcoming is met, the breakup happens, If you've been aroud, or have friends who have been around, you'll know for sure that breakups never just happen. A breakup is always the end result of a series of unpleasant events. Falling out of love is merely one of these unpleasant occurences.

          An ideal breakup, one partner says it's over, and the other agees and even feels relieved that the breakup need not come from him/her, or that finally, the breakup happened before the relationship got any deeper or more serious.

Annie Reeds' (Meg Ryan) breakup with her fiance in "Sleepless in Seattle" is classic example of a clean, smooth and ideal breakup. Minutes after breaking up with the guy she can't afford to marry,she's with Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) and they are free to start a new relationship without fear of being stalked, threatened, humiliated or cursed.

We all wish every breakup is like that. But not everyone finds closure fast and easy especially when there are no Sam Baldwin or Annie Reeds meeting on top of the Empire State Building. Enough about the movies! In real life, closure does not come easily to everyone. This is because not everyone understands why breakups need to happen.

          In a funny way, even with a list of thousand reasons for breakup, the other party would still think that the issues could be worked out. This is tricky, because once you hear the reason leading to breakup, it should be quite evident that your loved one is unhappy with you. And once you start coming up with a rebuttal, it only means you're making an argument, not to save the relationship, but to prove you're right. On one hand, it's good to "fight" for your love. On the other hand, what would you be fighting for if the other person has decided to move on? Where is the "love" in that person?

DIFFERENT MARKS

          I've seen people who found it hard to let go because they thought the reasons given to them were lame and irrational. They try to argue back without realizing that the reason were only the lame and irrational to them because they are looking at their relationship in different ways. They are not on the same page. They're going on different directions. They are not aiming for the same marks. Therefore, it does not make sense for them to continue on a journey together.

Who is the "third party"? The androgynous character is so notorious character is so notorious for breaking up a lot of relationships. Poor Third Party, even when you're not the real reason, others would still put the blame on you, not getting that you won't be in the scene without much help from the first or second party.

          People just give you too much credit because you're easier to blame. In "My Best Friend's Wedding", Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) couldn't let go of Michael O'neal (Dermot Mulroney) who was getting married to someone he just met. So with much conviction, she told her gay friend George (Rupert Everett), "I can make him happier than her." To which George replied, "Is this about winning?"

Unfortunately, it is so easy to forget that love is not about winning, or comparing yourself to anyone whom you're love interest has chosen to marry. Love is always about giving and setting free.

          You can wallow over broken heart all your life. Or, you can just begin to live with the fact that your relationship may be over but your life is not, and at the rate the population is increasing on this planet, there's a good chance you'll meet someone new and begin a new relationship.

          Form your own closure by accepting that it's over and love is not about winning. It's always about the journey.

Again, question: When do you say that "It's over and it's okay?"

Answer: Whenever you're willing and ready. (Keep saying you're not, and you never will be.)

by: Arlene Paredes

Philippine Daily Inquirer

February 21, 2007